The importance of friends on the path

A kalyana mitra, derived from the Sanskrit words "kalyana" meaning "good, true, virtuous, upright, or beneficial" and "mitra" meaning "friend," is not just any pal you hang out with. A virtuous friend is someone who uplifts your path to a higher level of ethical and spiritual well-being. They are akin to a guide who helps you realize your deeper aspirations and supports you in cultivating a life of virtue and wisdom.

Buddha himself highlighted the significance of spiritual friendship. One day, while sitting with his attendant Ananda, the Buddha was engaged in a conversation that underscored the importance of good companionship. Ananda remarked, “It seems to me that half of the spiritual life is good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship.” Buddha corrected him, stating, “Not so, Ananda! This is the entire spiritual life, that is, good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship. When a monk has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, it is to be expected that he will develop and cultivate the noble eightfold path.” This powerful teaching emphasises that the Sangha, or spiritual community, is not separate from the Dharma; cultivating Dharma with virtuous friends is the path itself.

The role of feedback in spiritual friendships

One of the critical aspects of spiritual friendships is the ability to provide and receive constructive feedback. Deep and trusting friendship can create an environment where open-hearted discussions about our behaviour, practice, and understanding are possible. It is common for others to perceive aspects of ourselves that we might overlook - our blind spots. Having these insights pointed out by a trusted friend can be incredibly helpful. The longer and deeper the friendship, the more informed and valuable the feedback becomes.

Dharma discussions: deepening understanding

Dharma friendships also offer a unique opportunity for profound discussions about teachings and personal experiences in practice. Engaging in conversations with friends who share a deep understanding of our journey can lead to new perspectives, questions, and areas for deeper reflections. These discussions, enriched by mutual knowledge and trust, deepen our realisations of the Dharma and our spiritual practice.

Cultivating spiritual friendships

Creating and nurturing spiritual friendships requires patience, effort, and a genuine interest in others. The single most effective way to foster these relationships is to be authentically friendly. This involves cultivating acceptance, warmth, interest, and care for others. Becoming a good listener and being willing to reveal oneself honestly are fundamental aspects of growing these friendships. Authenticity and honesty are crucial; pretending to be overly spiritual or hiding true feelings hinders the development of real connections. In authentic friendships, flaws and confusions are not concealed, rather, they are welcomed, embraced, and talked through in a safe and supportive environment.

The practice of cultivating spiritual friendship is essentially lifelong. Strong communities depend on the personal relationships between their members, much like a quilt woven together from various threads and seams. By strengthening each individual friendship, we strengthen the entire fabric of the community. This friendship lasts until the final moment of our lives, where we support each other on the journey to afterlife.

The key to a strong spiritual friendship is to engage in meaningful activities together and uplift each other by encouraging the cultivation of virtues. It is also important to support each other in putting the Dharma to practice. At times where unfavourable conditions or conduct should arise, we have to practice embodying virtues such as patience, kindness, and empathy, with our friends. It is only in a community that we can see how well our spiritual practice has progressed.

It is also healthy to rejoice and celebrate each other’s success, be it career, academic, family, relationships, or spiritual growth. However, be wary of ungenuine flattery, as flattering someone might seem like a good way to win the favour of a friend, but it ultimately undermines the possibility of a real friendship. Genuine friendships are nourished by honesty, not undeserved praise.

The broader impact of spiritual friendships 

Friends play a crucial role in any individual's Buddhist practice. True friendship shows that our practice is not solely for personal benefit. We practice with and for our friends, community, and the broader world. Friendships teach us that the fruits of our practice are not for hoarding but for sharing. By becoming freer, we grant greater freedom to others, at least in terms of liberating them from our own greed, hatred, and prejudices. Mindfulness, love, and the path of practice serve as channels for forming meaningful relationships. These relationships, in turn, support us on the journey to greater mindfulness, love, and awakening. 

"When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways—either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength. True friends help us find this inner strength."
- Dalai Lama

Humans were never meant to walk the path of life alone - the presence of virtuous friends enriches our path to awakening. These relationships are not just supportive but essential for deepening our understanding and practice of the Dharma. By cultivating genuine friendships based on honesty, acceptance, and mutual care, we create a powerful context for spiritual growth. As we practice and grow together, we not only advance on our path but also contribute to the spiritual well-being of our friends, community, and the world.

At Thekchen Choling Temple, we support the building of friendships in everyone’s journey toward awakening. If you are looking for a community to deepen your practice of the Dharma, come join us for our weekly Dharma teachings or volunteer with us to get to know likeminded friends.