Do you love or hate yourself? Embrace growth through Buddhist wisdom
Many of us have an inner voice that pushes us to work harder and improve.
But sometimes, that voice isn’t encouraging—it’s harsh, unforgiving, and full of criticism. “I should have done better.”
“I’m such a clutz, always messing things up.”
“I’m just not good enough.”
Sounds familiar? We’ve all heard that inner voice before, and while we may think this form of self-criticism may seem helpful, it often does more harm than good. It can make us feel unworthy, drain our motivation, and lead to stress and anxiety.
On the other hand, there is self-compassion. Instead of beating ourselves up over mistakes, we treat our struggles with kindness and understanding, just as we would a good friend.
So, what exactly is self-compassion? How is it different from self-criticism? How can we practice self-compassion to foster personal growth?
To answer these questions, let’s first take a step back to understand self-criticism and self-compassion.
What is Self-Criticism?
Self-criticism is that nagging inner voice (also known as the inner critic) that constantly judges us and points at our flaws and mistakes. It may seem like it’s coming from a desire to improve, but it can quickly devolve into self-judgment and feelings of inadequacy.
How many of us have experienced this: for example, when we made a mistake at work or home and the first thing we thought of was, “I messed up again. I’m so incompetent and useless. How could I have made such a terrible mistake?!” This inner dialogue doesn’t just affect how we feel—it can shape how we act, making us more fearful of failure and less willing to take on challenges.
We may not realise it but self-criticism can take many forms, such as:
Being perfect: Setting unrealistic standards and feeling worthless when we don’t meet them.
Comparing ourselves to others: Constantly measuring ourselves against others and feeling inadequate.
Negative self-talk: Saying things to ourselves that we would never say to a friend.
Rather than a motivator, research has shown that self-criticism often has the opposite effect—it makes us feel discouraged, anxious, and stuck in negative thought patterns. In Buddhism, self-criticism is seen as a form of suffering. The more we engage in negative self-talk, the more we feel guilty, ashamed, and anxious. This suffering becomes a burden we carry, preventing us from becoming stronger or moving forward.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would give a friend. Instead of harsh self-judgment, we acknowledge and accept our struggles with warmth and patience.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, simplified self-compassion into three key components:
1. Self-kindness – Being gentle with yourself instead of overly critical.
2. Common humanity – Recognising that mistakes and struggles are a part of being human.
3. Mindfulness – Observing emotions without ignoring or exaggerating them.
For example, if your close friend failed at something they worked very hard on, you wouldn’t tell them, “You’re a failure, you’ll never succeed”, right? You would probably soften your tone as you remind them that mistakes do happen, that they’re still worthy, and that they can always improve. Self-compassion is about giving that same kindness to yourself.
Buddhism teaches the practice of metta (loving-kindness) so that we can extend compassion not just to others but also to ourselves. True compassion starts from within—only when we cultivate self-kindness can we fully extend kindness to the world.
We can practice self-compassion through the metta meditation by repeating phrases like:
“May I be happy. May I be free from suffering. May I be at peace.”
When we approach our struggles with compassion instead of judgment, we start to heal, learn, and grow in a kind and constructive way. The next time you find yourself in a difficult situation, try the metta meditation and notice how you feel after.
Why Self-Compassion Leads to Personal Growth
Many people think that self-compassion will make them complacent, but actually, it’s just the opposite! When we let ourselves be human—flawed but capable of growth—we become more resilient and open to learning.
1. Self-Compassion Reduces Fear of Failure
When we fear making mistakes, we may avoid challenges altogether. Self-compassion allows us to try new things without getting scared of failing.
For example, a student who fails an exam might think, “I’m terrible at this subject; I should just give up,” or, with self-compassion, “This was tough, but I can learn from my mistakes and try again.” The second mindset encourages perseverance.
2. It Builds Emotional Resilience
Buddhism teaches that suffering is part of life, but it is how we respond to that suffering that really matters. Practising self-compassion helps us recognise our pain without letting it control our lives.
For example, instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel sad,” we can shift our mindset to thinking, “May I take on all sentient being’s sadness and may all sentient beings be happy.” This is also part of the practice of Tonglen in the Mahayana path, where we expand our heart for all beings instead of merely focusing on ourselves.
3. It Strengthens Our Connection with Others
When we are kinder to ourselves, we become more compassionate toward others. Harsh self-judgment often makes us more critical of others, while self-compassion fosters patience, understanding, and deeper connections.
In Buddhism, we are all connected and share our experiences with others. By understanding our struggles, we can better empathise with others and build stronger relationships.
Practising Self-Compassion in Everyday Life
Self-compassion isn’t about avoiding responsibility. It is about being kind to ourselves so that we can cultivate positive growth in a nurturing way rather than being harsh and critical. Here are a few ways to practice self-compassion in daily life:
1. Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
If you find yourself being overly self-critical, pause and ask, “Would I say this to a friend?” If not, try rephrasing it with kindness.
2. Practice Metta (Loving-Kindness) Meditation
Take a few moments each day to send good wishes to yourself and others with the metta meditation. Some phrases you could use are: “May I be safe, healthy and at peace. May All beings be safe, happy and at peace.
3. Observe Your Emotions Without Judgment
Instead of ignoring difficult emotions, accept them kindly without any judgement. Simply watch the thoughts and emotions pass through you like an observation, and do not feel that this is good or bad. This practice fosters self-awareness and acceptance.
A Path to Growth and Inner Peace
Buddhism teaches that we grow as people not by being hard on ourselves but by being aware and kind. When we stop criticising ourselves and start being compassionate, we can achieve better emotional balance, resilience, and wisdom.
By being compassionate to ourselves, we let ourselves heal and learn instead of being trapped in guilt and self-doubt. We start to see ourselves as works in progress—imperfect, yet capable of growth and change.
At Thekchen Choling, we regularly organise Dharma courses, spiritual activities, and community events. Visit our site and check out the Dharma courses we have for you and our youths, or join our community’s Telegram channel to get updates on our upcoming events and activities.
May we all cultivate self-compassion and spread that to others, creating a world filled with understanding and kindness.